The Sun and Where it Shines: On Envy & Transmutation

Sometimes it amazes me how much we conjure images that never were, in space of each other; saturating personalities and beings who were sharp enough without your magnifying glass. 

As a spirit worker, my vision tends to be clear. I can weave through frequencies and situations with ease most days, a habit that does not go unnoticed by my peers. Folks usually know what to dodge or expect from their surroundings when they're with me, or when they sit with me to get a reading. More often than not, my work precedes me in situations and spaces. I bathe in gratitude and the thrill of sharing what I understand because it truly fills me. 

Which is why  a lot of things have had me fucked up recently. 

One of the most frustrating things I've had to deal with (as a healer and a sagittarius) is being the person who heralds the truth, sitting with a bottle of wine and loneliness while waiting for others to pick up on what I've put down. To be the holder of abstruse knowing, a seer of situations and shade, but to be given side eye when what I'm generally applauded for brings a different kind of silence to a room. 

Clarity isn't just an aspect of psychic awareness: it's a way of moving. Of letting you know what's good and what gotta go. It expresses itself through the need to heed warnings Spirit lets us witness thru foresight, with the carry out in what we shouldn't regret in hindsight. 

When you know better, you do better. 

Which is why I live my life in a way that refuses to allow social standards and disposability to get stuck on my windshield. 

 I like finding gentle ways to decompress the shame around jealousy, hidden emotions, and sensitivity. These are the building blocks of disease, depression, and so many other things we only tackle symptoms of for fear of the deep dive. Asking the hard questions has become a sport for me.

I've dug so deep in my own trauma that looking at someone else's feels like the blood and tissue of afterbirth: It had to move so we could get reborn. Lessons be placentas and iron be earthbound. 

These conversations aren't easy to have and must be treated with care. 

But sometimes people don't want those talks because the words pull them further out of themselves than they are comfortable being. And sometimes people feel threatened that they are seen in their entirety, and instead of treating them with disdain, which seems easier, we don't. We treat them with love and clarity. 

And sometimes it fuels a fire you tried to put out, in the same way a revocation candle burns black. 

I feel like I'm caught in the miasma of wondering how I can both be applauded and chastised for my transparency, ostracized and gaslit for using love as a form of extinguisher with people who are not ready for that. Who speak of seeing a world in solidarity but shudder at the thought of interpersonal conversation and accountability, and blur me into a person I never was. And I'm tired of it. 

I'm tired of the truth only being a commodity when it's about people we don't like. I'm tired of people telling me they love me but leaving when inconvenient truths don't make them consider shadow work they should be doing; where it instead gets internalised as an attack. 

What rings with the most irony is that over the past year I have been working so hard to build curriculum, spaces and sentience around the parts of our pain we cradle the most. But it feels like recently I've been stared at by energies that are more concerned with connecting dots that don't exist than connecting with me as a person, or the medicine I offer.

And so blockades have been set firm with folks who refuse to humanize me  as such. 

Many people felt uncomfortable that I decided to draw a boundary that I made clear I'd set with anyone who infringed on my peace. A couple months back I posted here about detaching from people that send negative energy thru the web; about having conversations if they feel necessary, but also keeping the block button strong. And of course, being the person who wrote it, my feelings are clear on it. So when I walk my talk, it should not come as a surprise.  But it has also revealed a lot to me in the sense that this current paradigm does not seem ready for new ways of handling discordant issues. That sometimes the addiction to drama is too arsenic sweet to let go of: so people make shit up instead of owning up to their stuff. And people will eat it, despite having shared space with me and knowing how I move. This has looked like people disrespecting my boundaries and sending my posts to people I don't communicate with, in an attempt to make it seem as if I'm hurting someone...when I'm being a normal bitch on instagram laughing at Oshe got to heaven (that nigga is funny af, follow if you haven't already). When in reality, I have enough psychic awareness to know my space is mine and when I'm choosing to set a boundary it's for my own healing. When in reality, I've been vigorously cleansing from dealing with a former friend actively manipulating my social life. 

All because I said the truth and asked to be supported in it, because that truth threatened my well-being. 

But what senders of the evil eye do not recognize is that they are transmitting gifts gilded in shit. And with the wildwomxn, marauder, magician energy I hold, I will dig until I find gold. When you hate me, you give me the keys to ascension. 

When you love me, you give me the keys to ascension. 

When you call the crow, no more aspects lie hidden. Everything dies and the tides of carrion and cruelty reveal divine lessons. Through the cleansing baths, silence, sadness, time, energy and money spent moulting I've learned something crucial to my development: no one would be this mad if my asé was not otherworldly, or if they recognized theirs is too. I am not a victim and I am never to be in spaces where keeping things together means staying with people who are more concerned with preserving false peace than supporting someone who obviously needs it.

 But at the same time, I can easily acknowledge the twinkle of God in the eyes of everyone who has played into this lesson: I can hear the caw of the crow in their laughs, guiding me into a new skin they will likely only see from afar. A parting gift. I see all the cycles this lesson has taken, from emotionally abusive family members, to partners, and so on: go where you are adored, stay where you are loved, and explore with your entirety. Allow no one's bitterness to imbibe you with false medicine. Trust your intuition, always. And know that you do not always have to be the bringer of truth. Say it once around the right people and your bottle of wine will always be shared with three cups. 

We have to be consistent and responsible with how we hold the truth and what we choose to do about it. Even if it's inconvenient. Kurt Vonnegut said truth is the most valuable commodity we have because the more we know, the more we can work with. Truth should not blind, and spiritual resilience demands that we choose to move in light when shade becomes more prominent. I've learned deeply what it means to forgive someone who has done me harm, even though I still don't understand why. It is not mine to hold.

There will be many times over where what I know will make people uncomfortable. Where my faith does not shake while others question how to wade. In an age where spirituality is becoming more salient, we have to recognize the suppression of awareness retards our evolution. We cannot afford to continue to hide and ignore the shadow work that needs to be done as humans who experience a full ass range of emotions. I experience shame, ugliness, and anxiety out the wazoo. My room is rarely fully clean, my lockjaw could break a metal can, and a good third of my composure depends on the fact I have 100 beings in my head saying "it's okay, Flo."  I am no stranger to the dark side of the human psyche. But I've learned having healthy friendships looks like not bringing these emotions into them in ways that sabotage peace: when they come in, they have work to do. 

THE WORK IN ACTION

I have a friend who is an amazing, beautiful creative; she reminds me a lot of myself. Her work is super similar to mine, and sometimes folks compare our stuff. I remember I was wearing a pair of my earrings in school, and a girl asked if they were hers. It used to irritate the shit out of me, and it made me feel really jealous that she got more attention than I did! But I also really care about her, and felt so ugly for feeling that kind of energy towards her. It felt congealed and slimy and dark. 

Then I was like woah. She's not responsible for this. She's doing her, and has just as much anxiety as I do. She is also powerful, held highly, and probably experiences the same lonely pedestal syndrome that I do. I felt a weird tension whenever we'd talk, and I didn't like it. So I messaged her and said something along the lines of "bitch I love you and this is gonna sound weird but I feel like we're the same, and all these weird lonely jealous energies are dumb."

And we had a beautiful conversation. We talked about it. We talked about pain. We talked about exes. We talked about what we were doing to heal. 

And I have not felt that ickiness since. Because I rehumanized her, rehumanized myself, and spoke about it with her. I trusted her enough to know she'd hold my feelings as her own. I didn't allow my shadow self to make her a doll I'd poke anytime I felt sad or down on myself. 

And I want us to recognize more ways we can do that kind of alchemy. With or without involving others. 

What I'm asking above all, is that we develop the bravery to love each other whole. To hear the truths, and go on from there. To decide to understand before we reprimand or toss away another person's pain. I'm asking us to stop allowing screens and synthetic energies to plague our visions of one another: the feelings that make us human, and the delight we can access with the clarity of change. Because it can really suck feeling like you know what you know alone, or like you cannot love someone without being underloved for reasons you can't control. We're all just people. The most beautiful thing about clarity is that it can cut through the vices of being human. 

Sometimes it takes a spill of tears before the three of cups go cheers.